Damaged Goods
by Jameson Rook
Summary: Esposito had always been her safe harbor from the storm.     Implied Beckett/Esposito-past, but it's caskett...trust me...    Spoilers for "Kill Shot". Rated for language and implied adult situations.


_**So, I've been mulling this idea around for quite a while and watching "Kill Shot" clinched the decision to write this for me. So, you guys followed me through my "Ryan/Beckett" phase, and I hope that you'll all be willing to work with me on this one? Rated 'T' for references to adult subject matter and a few bad words. **_

_** **SPOILERS FOR 'KILL SHOT'****_

_** Disclaimer: Castle and all of its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC. "Better As A Memory" belongs to Kenny Chesney.**_

** I move on like a sinner's prayer, let go like a levee breaks,**

** Walk away as if I don't care, learn to shoulder my mistakes.**

** Built to fade like your favorite song, **

** Getting reckless when there's no need. **

** Laugh as your stories ramble on, break my heart but it won't bleed.**

** My only friends are pirates, it's just who I am.**

** I'm better as a memory than as your man.**

__"He's damaged goods." Javier's eyes burned into hers, the hurt and the pain that he saw lingering there tearing him to pieces. The metal of the sniper rifle was cool against his palms, its weight a melancholy comfort. Beckett's jaw tightened before she continued.

"So am I." A stubborn tear threatened to escape but she bit it back as Esposito stepped closer. His eyes never left hers, scorching into her soul. He tightened his grip on the weapon and took a deep breath.

"Yeah. You are." Her face dropped in shock as he spoke. "But you're thinking of it as a weakness." Esposito extended the gun to her, his hands steady and sure. "Make it a strength."

In that moment as she took the gun from his hands, she looked into his warm, brown eyes, and saw everything that had happened between them over their partnership, everything that had led them to this point, and she couldn't help the warming that she felt in her heart. Esposito had always been her safe harbor from the storm.

**Never sure when the truth won't do, I'm pretty good on a lonely night.**

** I move on like a storm rolls through.**

** Never stay, but then again I might**

** I struggle sometimes to find the words, always sure until I die.**

** I walk a line until it blurs, I built walls to high to climb out.**

** But I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am.**

** I'm better as a memory than as your man.**

The first day that Javier Esposito strolled into the 12th Precinct homicide floor was a day that would be engrained in Kate's mind until the day she took her last breath. He was stunningly handsome, she recalled, the mocha colored shirt and tie complimenting his eyes in a way that had her heart pounding in her chest.

He strode across the floor confidently, a box of his personal effects tucked under one arm, and arranged his new desk quickly and efficiently. Though she should have been working on the mountain of paper work on her desk, she couldn't seem to tear her gaze from this incredible man in front of her. He must have felt her gaze on him, because, before she knew what was happening, he was in front of her desk. He extended his large, calloused hand politely.

"Javier Esposito." He smiled, even the charming crooked grin was enough to have her stomach doing flip-flops. "You must be Detective Beckett?" It took Kate a moment to realize that he was awaiting her response and she nodded a little too eagerly.

"Yes, that's...um, I'm Detective Beckett." She stammered, her face suddenly feeling hot. After another awkward moment she realized that she was still shaking his hand and dropped it quickly. "Welcome to homicide, Detective Esposito. I hope you'll find everything welcoming." He chuckled low in his throat and ran his hand over the back of his neck.

"Well, so far, the welcoming party is quite pleasant." A small, shy smile crossed Beckett's features and she tucked a curl behind her ear. "So, Detective Beckett, care to fill me in on what case we're working at the moment?" He asked, gesturing to the mess of manilla folders on her desk.

"Actually, contrary to the hazard zone that is currently my desk, we don't have a case." She laughed, raking a hand through her hair and surveying the crash site of a desk. As if on cue, her desk phone rang loudly. "Beckett? Okay, we're on our way."

"Body?"

"Body."

The first case they worked together was a very open and shut murder-suicide case. The night that they finished the case Esposito caught Beckett halfway to the elevator, swinging his suit jacket over his arms.

"So, Beckett..." He started, the first sign of any sort of insecurity showing through the steely, ex-military exterior. "You want to maybe go get a drink? I know this pretty great bar just around the corner. I used to go with the guys from narco." Beckett smiled and cast him a sideways glance.

"As long as you know that the rookie gets to pay." Esposito barked out a laugh as they stepped into the elevator and hit the button for the parking garage.

"I can't imagine it any other way, boss."

**I see you leaning, you're about to fall, **

** And I don't want to be that mistake.**

** I'm just a dreamer, nothing more.**

** You should know before it gets too late.**

She had been hiding the pain of losing Royce well for the most part, until one night when she lost it. She had walked into the bar that Eposito had taken her to without even thinking about it. She was halfway through her fourth scotch when a familar voice came from directly next to her.

"You know, if you look much deeper into that glass you might disappear." Esposito motioned for the bartender to bring him a drink and shifted on his barstool to face her. Kate continued to stare intently into the bottom of her glass. "What's up, Kate?" His voice was soft and caring as he spoke, his mouth almost directly next to her ear. A chill ran down her spine.

"It's nothing, Esposito." She replied coldly, her hands clenching the glass tightly enough that her knuckles flushed white. He sipped his drink and gave a sarcastic laugh as he crunched the ice between his teeth.

"That's bullshit, and we both know it." A flash of anger sparked through her at the accusation, not caring about the fact that he could read her like a book. She tossed money on the bar, threw back the rest of her drink and stormed out of the bar.

Kate was halfway down the alley behind the bar when she heard his footsteps racing after her. His breath was ragged when he finally caught up to her, his fingers closing gently around her wrist.

"Kate!" He snapped, his brow furrowed in concern. "What's going on with you? You've been weird for the past few days. Come on, Kate, I'm your partner. Talk to me, damn it!" She clenched her jaw, grinding her teeth angrily, and fighting back the tears that threatened to attack her.

"I..." She took a deep breath. "I'm not okay, alright? Is that what you want to hear, Javier? You want me to tell you that I can't sleep at night? That I can't eat anything because the idea of him being with anyone else makes me literally sick to my stomach? Huh? Is that what you're looking to hear because-." He rant was cut off when he pressed his warm lips to hers, silencing her. When he pulled back she stared at him, shocked, before returning her lips to his hungrily, pressing him into the brick wall behind them, her hand fisted in his shirt.

The next morning she woke to a cold bed, and a note that said he would see her at work. Kate wandered around her tiny apartment aimlessly that day, a cup of cold coffee clutched in her hands. She wasn't sure that she wanted to face him at work that day, but somehow she knew that he wouldn't make her feel uncomfortable.

She waited until the very last moment before leaving, speeding halfway to the precinct and falling out of the elevator exactly as the clock hit nine. She sighed and took a seat at her desk, surprised to find a paper cup of coffee sitting in the middle of it. She inhaled the sultry aroma of the coffee and took a sip. She felt his eyes on her as she drank the coffee and met his gaze cautiously. All of the worry and concern that she felt in her body melted away when she saw the smile he wore and the caring warmth in his eyes. She mouthed 'thank you' and he nodded slowly. In that moment, Katherine Beckett realized that Javier Esposito was always going to be her saving grace.

After that first night together he always seemed to know when she needed him to be there. He'd show up at her apartment long after the streetlights on her block had burned out, his arms always quick to wrap around her and pull her into a bruising kiss to blot out all of the emotions of their day. They lived their lives this way for years. Reguardless of the craziness of work, and the always changing circumstances, they always had each other and the crazy mixed up relationship that they entertained.

When things began to change, they grew apart. Their nights were spent in throws of heated passion, her nails digging into his back and his teeth sinking into her shoulder as his hips melted into hers.

Kevin Ryan was the first game changing pitch that life threw their way. He and Espostio became fast friends when he joined their little team, and she found Javier spending more nights pouring over Madden, hot wings and beer than he was rolling around beneath her sheets. She couldn't really blame him though. She'd asked him once whether or not he thought that they were going to become anything more than a 'dirty little secret'. The only response that he'd had was that he wasn't the man she needed to have with her for the rest of her life. Though she didn't understand it then, she was content to allow him to be her 'in the moment' man, even though he wasn't willing to be her 'one and done'. The nights that she got to spend curled in his arms and the mornings of lazy sex were fantastic. And for now that was enough for her.

**Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel, **

** You never know where you're gonna land,**

** First you're spinning then you're standing still, **

** Left holding a losing hand.**

** But, one day you're gonna find someone, **

** Right away, you'll know its true,**

** That all of your seeking's done, it was just a part of passing through. **

** Right there in that moment, you'll finally understand**

** That I was better as a memory than as your man.**

** Better as a memory than as your man.**

The evening after they closed the sniper case, Kate was settled in at her desk, staring absently at her computer screen. She couldn't shake the look in Esposito's eyes after he pulled that trigger. It was something that she'd seen in him before. The first time that she'd talked to him about her mother's murder his eyes had been shroud in a deep seeded need to keep her safe and get rid of all the pain that plagued her. He'd saved her life in more ways than she could ever begin to tell him. Because, through thick and thin, Javier Esposito was the glue that held her damaged pieces together.

"Anyway, if you see her, can you tell her she owes me like a hundred coffees?" Castle said, standing and moving towards the elevator. The look of love that sparkled in his blue eyes when he spoke to her was a mirror to the way she felt about him. Richard Castle was the man she loved, the man that she was going to spend the rest of her life with. Her one and done. Javier Esposito had been a stepping stone that led her to him, and for that she was eternally grateful. She turned to catch Castle before he left, needing him to know, in any way that she was capable of telling him, that she did care. That she was going to dive into 'forever' with him.

"Castle?" He turned on his heels, looking at her tenderly, a small smirk playing on his lips as he looked at her questioningly. Kate couldn't help the small look that she shot to Esposito before committing to telling Castle. "Thank you, for not pushing. For giving me space to get through this." She said quietly, her eyes locked with his. The grin that graced his lips, crinkling at the corners of his eyes, warmed the spot in her heart that she hadn't felt in longer than she cared to admit. "Always." That word was all it took for her to realize that she was all in. Nothing was going to keep her from her 'always', her happily ever after. He walked towards the elevator, leaving her in her own thoughts, and she silently threw up a 'thank you' to whoever was listening for allowing her to be damaged goods. Without the damage that her heart had endured she would not be the woman that she had turned out to be. She wouldn't be irrevocably in love with Richard Alexander Rodgers, and she wouldn't be planning the way to tell him that she remembered. But, most importantly, without Javier Esposito she would still consider 'damaged goods' to be a term of weakness instead of the strength that it truly is.

_**So...review? Please? Pretty please with apples and cherries on top? Much love, J.R.**_


End file.
